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MIGHTY – RADIO MC

MC Mighty is a strange oddity that we hired one day to present our music on local radio. He loves all kinds of music, but his favourite genre is known as “Glubes”, AKA Goblin Blues. His favourite band is the Glube Berries, which are the Bluesiest Goblin Blues band ever, or so we’re told! He teams up with MC Pyrite to run the Blue Pie radio show.

Mighty handles distribution for our Australian team, and doubles up as MC Mighty when the world needs to hear his voice, which it needs to once a week in order to fulfill the Salty Swingers Ritual, otherwise it implodes upon itself. This is backed by science, as well as some online service we paid for in order to back up any unfounded scientific claim, making it completely genuine. Mighty lives in the Red Mountains, which are an extension of the Blue Mountains, except they came out in a rash a bit ago and nobody’s bothered to pass the moisturiser, so eventually the folk living there (just Mighty exclusively, nobody else lives there) have embraced it as a cultural identity.

When Mighty has spare time, he tends to his Ginnee Gips, which are beasts that are similar to guinea pigs. He has 200 of the creatures! Mighty has a passion for landscaping, making him technically the only Eldritch dumbbell eligible to qualify for lordship. During his landscaping, he pulls massive heaps of earth out of the ground, in order to transform all the land around him into extensions of the Red Mountains he’s so fond of. When he runs out of soil, Mighty enjoys gentle strolls into space, at which point he takes hold of the moon and punts it into the planet, using the refuse from the crash to make even more mountains.

The government has tried to stop him from doing this but they simply can’t, so they settle for replacing the moon every so often before anyone notices, which is why taxes have been steadily going up recently. Mighty, when asked to comment on this, simply said “you’re welcome” and cited his lack of regret due to teaching “all the human brats how to save up money properly”.

Mighty brings a cool and collected passion to the airwaves, then goes home and brews mountain rum, awaiting the next mortal who dares summon him. He does not need to sleep, and nor do you, if you try hard enough. He’s an inspiration to everyone who wishes to be a festering little stabby creature that wants to learn how to hit things very hard, and is the favoured dumbbell among goblins worldwide. Our radio show wouldn’t be the same without him.

PYRITE – RADIO MC

MC Pyrite is an anomalous rock who seems good as gold, until you get to know him. A pretentious wad of metal who smells of something ambiguous and stale, Pyrite features on our radio show because he made a nest in the studio and now we can’t get rid of him. He features with MC Mighty on the Blue Pie radio show.

As a younger rock, Pyrite often strengthened his hypothetical non-corporeal throwing arm, and won a regional qualifier for Basefootcrickball, a sport so stupid that it’s listed on Wikipedia as the only physical activity that tastes like stale jam and disappointment at a metaphysical level. Since this experience, Pyrite has taken to honing his skills by pelting eggs at anyone who passes by his nest, telling them to bugger off until they give him a microphone to be smug into.

Born and raised in a place that nobody cares about, Pyrite tends to his sand gardens in his spare time, hoping one day that he’ll also erode away into a fine powder and be forgotten. He boasts the skill of being able to master any competitive strategy game by making up rules in a manner so convincing that you’re charmed into believing him. [CITATION NEEDED] His favourite music is specifically Nightcore which has been slowed down into being normal music again, because even he’s not embarrassing enough for that.

Pyrite somehow combines a happy-go-lucky demeanor with a cynical and pessimistic outlook. The smirk in his commentary is audible, as is his punchable face. A man of contradictions, it begs the question how he can be so loud and have so little to say at any given moment. He thinks every song is the best song he’s ever heard, making his “commentary” thoroughly useless, however it’s great for feeble takes on free advertising. A well of words spouts from the individual who thinks he’s deep enough to contain the depth of the ocean, and this is no exception for Pyrite, who’s about as deep as the puddle of drool that’s oozing over his desk as he stares into space currently. But he’ll try and convince you otherwise.

Pyrite is an entertaining trainwreck to watch unfold, and therefore, he brings a special brand of schadenfreude to our radio show that’s wholly unique and helps bring it an “identity”. The only compliments we’ll allow him are backhanded ones, but to be fair, he deserves a backhand across the face in all honesty. At least someone wants to get their hands anywhere near him – it’s a rare occurrence, as he’ll probably tell you via radio in an attempt to make his pathetic life funny to ease the pain. Regardless, he’s here to stay on our show, so we might as well get used to him.