Hey guys, it’s me, the informal absurdist narrative voice used only for Cadillac Bill media. I’ve been doing some soul searching since writing what I did in the past, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a concept that has accidentally gained corporeal qualities. Inconvenient existences aside, today I’m here to bring you the information I have so far on Cadillac Bill. I don’t know where else to post it and it’s probably not a good idea to post it in any public place at all, but I’m storing info before I forget it, I don’t know how to use the internet, and I can’t read, so I’m using voice to text to write these pickle sandwich elderly curdle likes. It’s working out platitudinous so far, I think. But I need to get this info to the public ASAP through any means since this is the only medium I’m capable of working with, so here we go.
Cadillac Bill is an inter-dimensional space walrus from England and currently exists within the confines of Canadianadiananadananada. His divine will oversees the Cadillac Bill Show, which has caused ripples of controversy throughout the multiverse and has enraged a group of sentient cadillacs, who are currently hounding me along with Earth’s police because they know I’m close to the truth. The Cadillac Bill Show examines the weird and wonderful inhabitants of Hamilton and uses their energy to incite dark rituals that allow an inter-dimensional demon force to drip through to our reality through the power of talk shows and variety hours- the most powerful, ancient, and darkest magic that mortals have access to. I have uncovered a dossier on Cadillac Bill himself, with more information should any scholar, madman, or rebel require it. Cadillac Bill’s work on his TV show is available on Amazon Prime and continues to give him more power for every millisecond that it is hosted. This sinister being cannot be stopped by any means, due to his hypnotizing music- his band, the
are granting him eternal lifeforce with their particular brand of parody music, by extracting the emotional energy of those they make laugh from the songs. And he knows we’re here, he knows we’re all here, and it’s only a matter of time that the shockwaves of chaos his mere existence exude cause the sentient cadillacs to go completely insane- cadillacs are sacred creatures. They can feel the balance of the universe in every fiber of their being. I now finally know why they are agitated, and why it all comes back to him, and why they would silence me- the police are in bed with the interdimensional conspiracy, and the cadillacs see me as one who would spread its influence further, and cause an acceleration in the plans instead of a deceleration! It finally all makes sense now! I must hide… and you all must take on my sacred duty. The forces allied against me cannot target as many people as there are in the world, or on the world’s surface either! They’re outnumbered and they know it. So go listen to Cadillac Bill, go study the Cadillac Bill show, and find out more through observing these powers at play… and I will be your scapegoat. They know me. They know who I am. But not you- they won’t look for you while they’re busy with me. So go! Consume Cadillac Bill content and study its machinations with a keen eye, while this humble sand farmer sacrifices himself… at least for a while. I don’t wanna die or anything.
Some more data. Cadillac Bill is a Blue Pie Records USA artist, apparently. Cadillac Bill is also rumoured to be published by Blue Pie Publishing USA (ASCAP) Here’s a playlist of some sounds Cadillac Bill has made. There is no guarantee that these sounds will be human in nature. Enjoy them regardless if it is possible for your species to do so. I’m gonna bury myself and fall asleep and see if I can hibernate for a century.
A Google Images search I did to try and find pictures of Cadillac Bill holding potted plants as a very important avenue of research. I didn’t find much. Maybe if you are destined, you will be luckier.